To My Mall Ratty White Trash Mom
Last Sunday on Mother’s Day, I awoke around noon and was greeted with a fantastic breakfast (that means BACON), fresh coffee, gorgeous pink Gerber daisies (my favorite) and the sweetest little treasures from my children.
Accompanying the gifts from my daughter was a card/drawing she made at school that touched my heart—but also made me scratch my head a bit (see highlighted parts).
It read:
I love my mommy sooooo much! Her name is Janet. She is fun and pretty. We like to go to the mall and buy clothing together. It’s fun! Sometimes she plays board games with me. My mommy is a great cook, too. My favorite meal she makes is tater tot casserole. My mom makes dinner, does laundry and cleans the house. I’m glad she takes good care of me.
Is that not the sweetest thing you’ve ever read? I know. It is.
The only thing I don’t understand why she makes me sound like a housewifey mall rat who favors food from the Michelle Duggar cookbook of white trashy recipes?
Allow me to elaborate…
We never go clothes shopping at the mall. Well, actually, I did recently take the kids with me when I went hunting for a purple shirt to wear for the March for Babies but seriously, before that, I can’t remember the last time I dared to take the kids clothes shopping with me. I’M NO MASOCHIST!
Also? I DID a made tater tot casserole — ONCE — but only because I happened to have all the ingredients and I really REALLY didn’t want to make burgers or meatloaf again. It was okay but nobody seemed all that jazzed about it. Yes, I noted the recipe while watching “18 Kids and Counting” but hello? Tater Tot casserole? That’s just embarrassing and frankly not the sort of thing I’d want the whole world to know about — not including YOU , of course — because I trust that we will never speak of this again. RIGHT???
It was really very generous of my daughter to say I’m a great cook but just like that business about cleaning and doing laundry? It’s kind of not accurate. I’m a bad cook and I really try NOT to clean or do laundry. Must be wishful thinking on her part… Poor kid.
Don’t get me wrong. I thought T’s card was beyond awesome. She said all those nice things (factual errors aside), which I loved—but you have to admit…it’s comedy gold.
Now that part about being fun and pretty? TOTALLY TRUE :)
Mom101 on 18 May 2009 at 6:06 am #
Oh my gosh so it’s not just Thalia saying stuff which I didn’t know to be true. Last week at school they read this “all about me” book she had filled in with the teacher. Turns out her favorite food is “chicken nuggets” (it is?) her favorite thing to do right after school is “play with mommy” (I’m rarely with her after school) and her favorite book is “touch and feel animals” which is made for 6 month olds.
So we’re not quite white trash - just totally inattentive. Awesome
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Watch out—next thing you know she’ll be telling everyone you make a mean Nacho Cheesy Beef Hamburger Helper!
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Brooke on 18 May 2009 at 7:50 am #
It’s ok, my son has been telling his preschool teachers all about his FAVORITE thing that I have EVER made for him… apple pie.
He hates pie.
And I have never, ever, in my life even attempted to bake one.
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Apryl's Antics on 18 May 2009 at 10:12 am #
My daughter wrote last year that she and I “play doctor”, which we don’t. Also, my son drew a picture of me in a bra for the 100th day of school—because that’s what he would buy if he had $100. I’m fairly sure the teachers think we are just plain fucked up.
BTW, so glad you got bacon for Mother’s Day. That’s a perfect gift for any occasion.
Tater tot casserole. LOL.
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Chandra replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
@Apryl’s Antics,
Do you have a blog Apryl? Please tell me you do because your comment here had my laughing out loud. Maybe I’m fucked up too b/c this just had me in stitches. THanks for the laugh.
Chandra’s last blog post..My 3 boys
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Apryl's Antics replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@Chandra, Sadly, I do not have a blog, but The Caffeinatrix bugs me about it frequently. I do like commenting, though. Thanks!
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I bug you? Hmmmph!!! *slams blog door*
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Apryl's Antics replied:
May 20th, 2009 at 9:29 am
@Caffeinatrix, I meant *gently encourages*. Please let me back in!
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Chandra replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
@Apryl’s Antics, Thanks for the response. Please let me know if you ever get a blog. I’d love to follow it.
Chandra’s last blog post..My 3 boys
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Apryl's Antics replied:
May 20th, 2009 at 9:30 am
@Chandra, I will let you know. In fact, I may be posting a guest post soon at my brother’s blog http://www.wordpress/mayopie.com.
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Kristabella on 18 May 2009 at 10:26 am #
First thing I thought when she said tater tot casserole was “has your daughter been living with the Duggars?”
I want to try the tater tot casserole, but the recipe online feeds 20 people. I am but one person who does not need to eat tater tot casserole for 3 weeks.
Kristabella’s last blog post..Well Lookee Here
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
There’s a bunch of them floating around the internet that aren’t scaled up to feed the plus-sized spawn of horny Quiverful couples. My thoughts on the TTC? Needs BACON!
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patois on 18 May 2009 at 12:12 pm #
Damn those children for sensing what information will most redden us in front of their teachers!
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verybadcat on 18 May 2009 at 3:07 pm #
I think that the kids just get freaked out by the pressure when they’re put on the spot like that. I hated doing that stuff in school- if I want to make my Mom a card, I’ll do it on my own, thanks.
I’m wondering what my dog’s card would look like, since I don’t have kids….
My Momma smells good. I like to smell her butt when she’s getting dressed. She mostly remembers to feed me my dog food, which sucks and gives me fish gas, but she always gives me half of her dinner. And morning scritches, even if she’s late. She tries to play with me, but she throws like a girl, can’t operate a frisbee and refuses to wrestle, like Daddy. I love going to the drive thru with her, because she always gets me my own cheeseburger. She gets mad when I eat her pantyliners on her side of the bed.
So, yeah, I’m feeling you.
verybadcat’s last blog post..Cattails: Adventures of a Very Bad Cat
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
What is it with dogs and underwear and pads and panty shields and stuff? My friends dog chews out the crotches of all her dirty underwear so she has to hide them.
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SciFi Dad on 18 May 2009 at 7:30 pm #
Is it wrong that my original comment was, “You had me at BACON”, but then I was kinda disappointed that you didn’t post the tater tot casserole recipe?
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Advising Without Understanding
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
It’s ridiculously easy but it would have been better with BACON!
(I can get it for you if you’re really interested)
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Desert Songbird on 18 May 2009 at 11:40 pm #
*snickering*
Yeah, I got similar cards from each of my kids when they were younger. I think they just latch onto things they can remember. Seriously, me? Good cook and laundress? Ha! I laugh in your face!
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Karen@If I Could Escape . . . on 19 May 2009 at 10:07 am #
Just found your blog and love it — I’m a fellow Tampa blogger! Anyway, my sons have done similar to me! Last year, my middle son wrote about his favorite meal that I cooked — she opens a jar and puts in in a saucepan? WTF? I swear I’ve only ever opened a jar of Ragu on very rare occassions! You have to laugh though!
Karen@If I Could Escape . . .’s last blog post..If I Could Escape . . .
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I’m working with BlogHer to have a Tampa area meetup in June. Would love for you to come! Here’s a link: http://bit.ly/DTKK7
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Hannah on 19 May 2009 at 1:15 pm #
Board games and tater tots? Awesome! LOL. That is a really cute card.
Hannah’s last blog post..Brightest Blue
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Dude…we haven’t played a board game since my son gave up naps!
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ElGuappa on 19 May 2009 at 6:23 pm #
Heya, great blog! Hilarious children! It’s true - I don’t have a book big enough to record the nutty contradictory things my son comes up with on a daily basis. I noticed you like music, check out my blog. It’s got great stuff on it. Ciao.
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mayopie on 21 May 2009 at 3:14 pm #
I gave my mom a cool nickname: The Rock Oh Mama.
I had no idea you could make tater tots into a casserole or that the mall had purple shirts. No wonder you never go there.
mayopie’s last blog post..Mayopie
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lindaloohoo on 21 May 2009 at 4:19 pm #
my son put on his pre-school moms day card that i am 14 years old and look pretty when i do my eyebrows.
just because i act like a teenager and have bushy brows and a dowagers hump from being addictied to the blogosphere doesn’t mean i want god and his teachers to know that. oh wait. they’ve seen me. so they probably get it. in fact, it might be secret code from them to get me to visit a salon. fuckers. don’t those teachers have anything else to do BESIDES POKE FUN AT MOMS??
i like to bring just a big ole pile of bacon to any potluck. it’s my secret weapon. dogs and other mothers love me for that.
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 21st, 2009 at 6:15 pm
If you brought bacon to any potluck I was at, I’d probably kiss you…WITH tongue.
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lindaloohoo on 21 May 2009 at 4:22 pm #
oh yeah, and i once blogged about the fact that michelle duggars uterus needs a vacation. at a resort with a swim up bar and cabana boys. and vodka douches. alot of them.
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 21st, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I bet that post brings you plenty of traffic and angry Duggar fans!
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katie ~ motherbumper on 21 May 2009 at 5:09 pm #
Janet, you have to take that child to a blogging conference and then she will learn more about her mom than she probably ever wanted to know - like how much she swears.
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 21st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Sadly, that’s not exactly a well-kept secret *hangs head in shame*
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 21st, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Man, you make me sound horrible :(
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katie ~ motherbumper replied:
May 21st, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@Caffeinatrix, DO NOT! You are beautiful and well versed with a side of cuss and you know we all sound like sailors when we go to those things (okay, not everyone, Anissa tries to pull of that saint bit but she doesn’t have me fooled ;)
Let me tell you a little story (sit back J, you know I’m long winded): When I was in primary (which is what they called kindergarten in my neck of the woods), they went around the class and asked each child what their Dad did for a living (it was the early seventies when it was assumed that everyone (a) had a stay at home mom and (b) a dad). When they got to me, I choked, I had no idea what my dad did. So the teacher asked a whole bunch of questions and we decided on carpenter because I said I saw him fix things with a hammer. When my parents showed up for the first parent-teacher conference, my teacher was all like “Hello Mr. motherbumper’s Dad… so you are a carpenter?” And my Dad was like “uh no, I’m a doctor”. Soon after wee motherbumper spent a day at the office with Dad and boy oh boy did I learn more about my Dad in that one day than my five-year old brain could handle. Up until then, he was a dad and Mom was a mom. I really knew so little about them because they just assumed I just knew. Because of that one incident, I go out of my way to make sure that wee bumper knows there is more to me than the woman who cleans out the fridge and knows how to find the laundromat. I’m also the woman who can dance like a fool, become easily disoriented, and cuss like a sailor. BTW - as usual no point to my story, just rambling…
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Caffeinatrix replied:
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Thank you for ’splaining. I was all OMG…Katie thinks I’m a really bad person with a pottymouth!
And you know what, you’re absolutely right. Kids do need to know who their parents are beyond the mundane stuff they see you doing day in and day out.
Looking back, I really only knew one side of my parents when I was a kid. It never occurred to me until I was an adult that they were actual people and so much more complex than I’d ever perceived as a child. This would make a great blog post topic, wouldn’t it?
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kittenpie on 25 May 2009 at 8:41 pm #
Ph, the things I have to look forward to… So far, my cards just have drawings and the words “love mom” and her name. It might be better that way for now, so I have a few years to get my act together…
kittenpie’s last blog post..Biscuits in the Oven
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raino on 31 May 2009 at 8:53 pm #
what has always amazed me about childrens memories are the things that they remember. the little things and that sometimes they even mix stories up and come out with a brand new one and if you really give it some thought they probably actually heard the stories around the same time therefore combining. it is so funny!
raino’s last blog post..And what a weekend it was!
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Dayngr on 11 Jun 2009 at 4:35 pm #
OMG too funny! Loved reading this.
Dayngr’s last blog post..May’s Milestones and Memorable Moments
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