An Open Letter to My Body, the Traitor
Dear Body,
Happy belated Valentine’s Day. Yes, I was being facetious. You know I don’t subscribe to made-up holidays that leave at least half the population sad and depressed that they don’t have someone to give them some Hallmark-mandated love and a red velvet box of chocolates from the local Walgreens. I prefer my consumerism-on-steroids holidays to at least be FUN, like Halloween!
Anyway, I’m writing to let you know that I’m very disappointed in you today. No, it’s not that last seven pounds I’ve been trying to lose for, like, two years—although we do need to discuss that at some point. I’m actually talking about the hangover that you led me to believe I would NOT be having today. What the hell?
I know, I know…I don’t take you out drinking nearly enough and you’re probably not used to it but that’s no excuse for your behavior today. You had fair warning that when we went out to celebrate the huz’s birthday last night (it was a shitload of fun, no?) that it would be a late night. Christ, we had safe, dependable babysitters for the first time in three years (Thank you, MIL and SIL!) that would be keeping our kids overnight. What did you think I was going to do? Drink soda all night?
All things considered, I think I did pretty good. I took a sip of my first beer at 9pm and finished my last around 2:45am. All together, I probably consumed about four or five high quality beers AND I had some pizza. (Yes, I agree that it was ridiculously salty but I was powerless to stop. You know how hungry I get when I drink). Anyway, the point is that I really didn’t go overboard and I don’t think I abused you that badly. In fact, I observed last night, firsthand, what long term alcohol abuse can do to a body and I’m so glad I got married and stopped clubbing and partying in my mid twenties. I could seriously be a poster girl for the virtues of generally clean, albeit mostly exercise-free, living.
But I digress…What I wanted to know is WHY did you lead me to believe this morning that I had escaped the hangover I was fully expecting? Even my prim, proper and very Catholic mother-in-law remarked that we didn’t look hungover when she brought the kids home at noon (NOON!!! God bless that woman!) and other than being a bit fuzzy-headed, I felt great. I didn’t begin to feel betrayed by you until about 3pm when the headache and queasy stomach started to kick in. Eventually, I felt so crappy I had to take to my bed for several hours whilst the huz went to the grocery store, fed the kids AND took them out for ice cream. He’s a fricken rockstar dad and I’m the pathetic mom that’s still hungover at six in the evening.
WHY???
Don’t you know how damaging this was to my self-esteem? How loser-ish it made me feel?
I just don’t understand and I anxiously await your explanation.
Yours in suffering,
Janet
Lucie @ Unconventional Origins on 16 Feb 2009 at 9:10 am #
Can I save this letter to modify and send to my body EVERY TIME I drink? Because apparently I get hangovers no matter what.
Glad you and huz had a good time though, ESPECIALLY the babysitter/sleeping in part. Heaven (hangover aside)!
Lucie @ Unconventional Origins’s last blog post..7 things I learned at my first blogging conference
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Brooke on 16 Feb 2009 at 9:21 am #
OMG - I had the same thing happen to me Saturday morning. I had three Captain & Coke’s on Friday. That’s it! I did not understand the grossness that I felt all day Saturday, it made no sense.
Hope you’re feeling better today.
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Oh, I feel ya! I really do. The unexpected hangover is hateful!!
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Jennifer on 16 Feb 2009 at 10:28 am #
What a dirty, rotten trick! It sucks when the hangover sneaks up on you later in the day, doesn’t it?
It sounds like you had fun, though. A beer and pizza birthday party? Awesome!
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Desert Songbird on 16 Feb 2009 at 10:53 am #
Ew. Sucks to be you, Janet. At least right now.
Bodies can be fickle bitches after 35.
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
It really did suck to be me… I was still feeling bad at 2am last night. WTH???
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Dory on 16 Feb 2009 at 11:14 am #
I hear ya, sister. My good gah, the shit our bodies pull on us when we hit our thirties is just plain mean!
But I’m so glad you and the hubster had such a great KIDLESS night!
Dory’s last blog post..Can’t Remember Diddly!
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Dory on 16 Feb 2009 at 11:17 am #
Uhhhhhh… I just noticed your eBay ad up there “Mesh Babydoll & Flower Trim &open-Crotch Thong 1x/2x” and I gotta say, that shit is just 1- WRONG and B- hilarious! *snickers*
Dory’s last blog post..Can’t Remember Diddly!
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
At first I was like WTH is she talking about??? And then I SAW IT! And took a screenshot for posterity lol
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Cara on 16 Feb 2009 at 12:23 pm #
I haven’t had more than a glass of wine in two years (pregnant and now breastfeeding). Although I am go gung-ho ready to get back on the horse, I am terrified of how it will affect me. I had become a real lightweight before. Now, it will be a holocaust.
Cara’s last blog post..Except When I’m Hungry
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
A holocaust…lol I never did get my drinking chops back after having kids and breastfeeding for eons. Of course, I look about a good decade younger than a lot of acquaintances who’ve spent the last 15 years acting like they were still 21.
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Apryl's Antics on 16 Feb 2009 at 1:41 pm #
Now you know you should have had more. Why not do the crime if your’e gonna have to do the time? I’m just sayin’.
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I was in pretty rare form! I shudder to think how things might have ended if the bars here stayed open until 4 like they do in Atlanta :-o
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Sarah on 16 Feb 2009 at 2:20 pm #
St. Valentines is sorry.
Sarah’s last blog post..The Ladyrather Diary
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
That sneak…he CURSED me or something!
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Renée aka Mekhismom on 16 Feb 2009 at 6:43 pm #
Wow. That is a very mean trick. A late afternoon hangover? That has to be against the law. Seriously. At least you were able to spend a happy evening with your husband sans children.
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The Caffeinatrix replied:
February 16th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I know, right? It’s definitely some violation of the laws of nature and physics and biology, too! But yes, spending Valentine’s Day night with my huz (and friends), even though we don’t really do the V-Day stuff, was really fun and almost worth being hungover until after midnight last night!
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Michelle-WhiteTrashMom on 17 Feb 2009 at 3:12 am #
40 truly catches up with you in the drinking…and gas departments. You can hang with the younger kids until the next day. I laughed at this post! So true!
Michelle-WhiteTrashMom’s last blog post..Blissdom09 White Trash Mom Way, Part 2
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ali on 17 Feb 2009 at 12:27 pm #
now that i’m 30, my body totally hates me after i drink…so i have to limit myself to 2.5 beers. otherwise, i’m dead for DAYS afterward…
ali’s last blog post..a there’s-no-sugar-in-pixie-sticks and zoo-popsicle kind of family day
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NATUI on 17 Feb 2009 at 12:42 pm #
And it’s not like our body gives us anything in trade. Like, okay: I will take away your ability to recover from alcohol but in return I will boost your metabolism. It’s just unfair on all levels.
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Caffeinatrix replied:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
OMG…so true. It’s just plain unfair. And if you didn’t even have that much fun when you were out drinking, it’s even MORE unfair :(
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roo on 17 Feb 2009 at 6:05 pm #
Well, thank goodness your hangover waited until
cocktail hour to kick in. Nothing like hair of the dog.
Wait. Maybe 3 is too early for drinking.
Can you hold out until 4:20?
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Caffeinatrix replied:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Really though…isn’t it ALWAYS 4:20? lolololol
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katie ~ motherbumper on 17 Feb 2009 at 8:13 pm #
Ack, I’ve come to terms that my body cannot handle my former partying ways, I can barely survive the punishment my body doles out for one drink these days.
BTW - so jealous of overnight late delivery back babysitters. Soooo jealous.
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Caffeinatrix replied:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Sudafed is the secret —the kind you have to get from behind the counter down here (pseudoephedrine, not phenylprine) is the secret to preventing mild hangovers. Swear to God!!!!
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the mama bird diaries on 18 Feb 2009 at 8:45 am #
what’s the upside of getting older again?
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Caffeinatrix replied:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Bah! Some nonsense about wisdom. I, for one, am NOT buying it…
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Sammanthia on 18 Feb 2009 at 1:00 pm #
Beer and pizza? AWESOME!
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Caffeinatrix replied:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Yeah, we’re KLASSY! But it was an Irish pub with a fab outdoor deck and great food so yeah, beer and pizza did kind of = awesome after all ;)
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Dana on 18 Feb 2009 at 1:24 pm #
Hangovers suuuuck. I remember when I was young, going out drinking, getting sloshed and suffering the hangover, swearing I’d never drink again, only to do it the next weekend.
Thank goodness I grew out of that REAL quickly. :)
Hope you’re feeling better now!
Dana’s last blog post..Bee Eff Pee
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Caffeinatrix replied:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Oh yeah…can’t even tell you how many times I swore “I am NEVER drinking again”
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TB on 22 Feb 2009 at 12:06 pm #
The delayed hangover sucks. It seems that’s what I always get now that I’m older and mommier and only drink once in a blue moon.
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Jenn on 22 Feb 2009 at 6:25 pm #
You have been awarded the Lemonade Award by me on my site! Why the lemonade award? It is given as appreciation for those people who have shown a great attitude or gratitude this week no matter what the circumstances happen to be. (That and because you probably made me laugh, nod in agreement or just get what you are saying.)
You have always been a great blogger and friend. I am glad you are still blogging! I would miss you terribly if you ever stopped.
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terena on 23 Feb 2009 at 5:51 pm #
LOL!!! I have had so many conversations with my body like that. And do you know what my body is trying to do now? I can’t eat chocolate any more. Makes me sick. Yep, CHOCOLATE! That glorious elixer of the gods.
My body hates me.
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