I’m not a huge fan of the vegetables. Actually, let me rephrase that… I’m not a huge fan of cooking the vegetables.

Or buying them.

I don’t know how to tell a good *insert random vegetable name* from a bad one or an overripe one from an overpriced one—actually, vegetables seem to be quite a bargain to me and I’m perplexed when I hear people bitching about the price of peppers or avocados or whatever.

Anyway, to reiterate, I don’t hate vegetables. I just really like them a WHOLE lot better when someone else buys them (because they probably KNOW how to NOT buy bad veggies) and even more so, I like when SOMEONE ELSE cooks them.

Me? I typically mutilate them first and then proceed to undercook, overcook or underseason them and generally render the poor vegetables inedible—unless they come in a bag, drowning with processed cheese sauce in which case, they’re kind of already inedible by most standards..

Also, I must confess…I am of the mind that just about everything in life worth eating can be improved with a little hot oil and a skillet. Potatoes? They’re good. Crispy hash browns, however, are heavenly.

Salmon? It’s okay. Salmon in a crusty, crunchy pan-fried little croquette thingy? Nomnom-a-licious.

Toasted cheese sandwich? Meh. Grilled cheese sandwich? Far superior in every way.

As luck should have it,  today, while perusing my iGoogle page and reading news (an excellent procrastination tool, if I do say) I came across a recipe for veggie pancakes on NPR. Naturally, this appeals to me per my unbridled love for all things crispy, crunchy and savory and I really want to try to make them but I’m reticent…

First, I’ll have to buy all the vegetables, which we’ve already established is a challenge for me; then I’ll have to cut them, grate them—whatever—without losing a digit (or any precious knuckleskin) and of course, try not to burn them which, in case I didn’t mention, is always hard because I am an impatient cook who frequently jacks up the heat “just for a second” and then wanders away to screw off on Twitter or read email or check out the news on iGoogle. The ceremonial ringing of the smoke alarm usually ensues.

Urggghhh. Maybe next week…

When your husband’s doctor’s office calls and says they need to speak to him about the labs from his recent physical at his earliest convenience. Well, he’s out of town and didn’t put me on his forms as a person they can discuss his medical stuff with so now I’m sitting here wondering WTH is up and no idea when I’ll know.

We finally joined the rest of the western world and got a Wii (from a friend who decided he didn’t like being taunted by a machine) and for the last couple days, I’ve been slowly (because mah mad technonerdgirl skillz apparently don’t extend to video games of any kind and my kids can attest to this) learning how to get around in and use it.

I’ve decided I really like Wii tennis. You get the satisfaction of wacking a ball, which I’ve always loved, but without all the sweat and sun, both of which I hate. My fair skin can’t take the blazing Florida sun and well, I think two words will sum up why I hate perspiring — BOOB SWEAT. While I wasn’t blessed with abundance in that department, I got way more than my fair share of sweat glands in that area. Well, actually, I don’t know if that’s true because I don’t ask other women about boob sweat but whatever…let’s just say I hate boobsweating and leave it at that.

I also love Wii boxing. I never knew beating the crap out of a crappy looking avatar could be so elating, so…satisfying. Apparently, I have a lot of aggression to get out—knocking out my two dimensional opponents has brought me a sick amount of joy these past two days.

Today, I finally ventured into Wii Fit territory. Apparently, I’m the most unbalanced person to ever walk the earth. The fucking thing asked me if I fall down a lot when walking, which I DO NOT, thankyouverymuch.

The upside is that I’m in a normal weight range. The downside? I’ve gained three pounds since my last doctor’s appt in December. Looks like the Wii and I will be spending a lot more time together as I set my “goal” to lose 5 lbs. in two weeks.

I’m embarrassed to admit that after falling asleep with my son tonight for about 4 hours, I woke up to soreness in muscles I didn’t even know I had. Gah.

On Tuesday April 7th, the world unexpectedly lost a precious little girl named Maddie Spohr, age 17 months. I wrote about Maddie’s passing over on IzzyMom a couple days ago and my heart continues to ache for Maddie’s parents, Heather and Mike Spohr. I can’t even begin to imagine what they are going through right now.

In this dark and sad time, though, the kindness and generosity of people across the internet and around the world (most of whom didn’t know Maddie any more than I did) has been nothing short of awe-inspiring.

People have pulled together to help the Spohr’s web site remain up after being taken down for excessive traffic by the thoroughly uncompassionate Bluehost.

In less than three days, people have given upwards of $25,000 in donations to the March of Dimes, which Maddie’s mom requested in lieu of flowers.

People have come together to form teams to participate in the March of Dimes ‘March for Babies’ on April 25th and raise money in Maddie’s name.

People have put up web pages aggregating all the hundreds of posts about Maddie (scroll way down to see the list).

People have set up a donation site to help with Maddie’s funeral and memorial service costs (donations STILL needed! Details here)

People have spearheaded meal delivery campaigns for the Spohrs so that they don’t need to worry about cooking or grocery shopping.

I’m awed by all the good in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all you wonderful people out there. You’ve all helped to make sure Maddie Spohr, the beloved little girl with the captivating smile and big blue-green eyes, will NEVER be forgotten.

If you want to help, there are many things you can do:

• Sponsor our Friends of Maddie “March for Babies” team or any of the dozens of other teams from around the country that are walking in Maddie’s name on April 25.

• Donate to help offset the cost of Maddie’s funeral expenses. This would help the Spohrs tremendously.

• Donate $5 towards a gift card for a restaurant in Mike and Heather’s area that delivers because eating is not optional. You gotta eat. Please email me (janet at greenmommedia dot com) OR direct message me on Twitter (@thecaffeinatrix) if you’d like to take part in this. I’ll send a card to them (with your name included) along with a restaurant gift card. I’m hoping to raise a minimum of $75 because everything is expensive in LA.

Also…

A P.O. Box has also been set up in Heather and Mike’s name for cards, gift certificates and the like. The box is located inside a UPS store so packages are accepted as well.

Mike & Heather Spohr
11870 Santa Monica Blvd. #106-514
West Los Angeles, CA 90025

Thank you for your kindness, compassion and generosity :)

Madeline Alice Spohr

Don’t you sometimes just want to write a list of all the things/people you hate, piss you off or just plain annoy you? I do.

But then I’m all “Oh, but that’s so negative. I don’t want to be THAT person…all I HATE THIS and I HATE THAT!”

And then I hate myself for being so wimpy and spineless because seriously, why should I care? I’m feeling the hate and I want to share it and sharing is good—or at least that’s what they tell you in kindergarten and kindergarten teachers don’t lie, right? Because I would really hate them if they did.

So yeah, I’m gonna share the hate. And if  you start feeling the urge to lecture me about it, you should probably just not—or I’ll add you to my list.

The short list (because I’d hate to blow my whole hatewad in one shot):

• I hate when people walk away when you’re still talking to them. It makes me want to roundhouse kick them in their stupid, departing kidneys. Why? Because it’s just rude. Let’s roleplay for a sec… You be talking to me about something, anything, and I’ll just meander away while you’re talking. Makes ya wanna kick me, right? I knew it. You’re my kind of people.

• I hate when people send me an email or use the contact form on one of my other sites and try to convince me of how wrong I am about something BY INSULTING ME and then they link to their site which is, presumably, being left as a point of reference to my supposed wrongness and THEN? They throw in a little PR blurb about themselves. It makes me all “Dude. Do you seriously think I’m going listen to you or feature your product/service after you just talked a bunch of shit to me? You’re a total social moron and if I cared about you at all, I’d send you a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and try to save you from your own stupidity but since I hate you? I won’t.

• People who work in stores and know NOTHING about what the store sells and are completely unapologetic about their ignorance. EXAMPLE: I go to Office Depot to buy some ink for this Kodak behemoth of a printer/scanner/copier because while I don’t need to print at this moment, I do need to scan stuff and this stupid piece of shit won’t let you SCAN until you buy more ink. Scanning is a completely inkless process and yet I’m held hostage until I throw down for ink. How am I going to put all those old pix that showcase the fact that I used to be hot and cellulite-free on Facebook without a scanner? Note to self: I also hate Kodak. Anyway, I search the ink section only to find there is ONE pack of Kodak ink and it’s for some other shitty Kodak device. So I ask some Office Depot dude zipping around on one of those old people scooters if they carry Kodak ink and he doesn’t know. Whatever they have out is “probably” all they have, he says. He waves in the general direction of the aisle I just came from and zips away. Must be nice to get paid for being lazy, stupid and useless. I’m certain there’s a cubicle at AIG with his name on it. So yeah, I hate Kodak, I hate Office Depot and I hate that stupid fuck on the scooter.

• I hate people that see you heading toward a certain register at a store and haul ass to get there first, even though you were closer. I hate you and if I thought I could get away with it, I’d totally set your hair on fire without a second thought. This also applies to people who pull this same shit with parking spaces. They get extra hate points if they’re one tiny little woman driving alone in a Hummer, Suburban or Excursion.

Wow…that felt really good. I highly recommend making a hatelist, if only to make you feel less hatey and more tolerant of the things you hate.

WHOA. I feel a brainstorm coming on…

Seminars, books-on-tape, infomercials, Home Shopping Network—an entire empire built on getting people to recognize their hate, vent their hate and eventually be at peace with their hateyness. I’m going to rich beyond your wildest dreams, all ” I’M ON A BOAT, MOTHAFUCKER“  rich.