If you ever wondered what really goes on inside my pretty little head, read my post over at IzzyMom.

It’s one I wrote about a year ago that was  well-received by readers but for some reason, had been unpublished. I have no idea why.

Today I got the coolest email from someone who had read that post and bookmarked it, only to find that it was no longer there. She inquired about it and asked if it was still available.

She paid me/my post some compliments that made me feel so good and I was so happy that something I had written had resonated to the degree that someone would ask about it in it’s absence.

I found the post in question. I read it.  It still felt real and true. I could still relate to it.

And suddenly I was inspired. I don’t want to just dump my disjointed thoughts into a text editor. I want to write again. Whether I will, I don’t know, but at least the flesh is willing…

I republished this post for Sarah and for me. And it was like coming home.

Did I ever tell you that my name used to be Erica?

Yes, for three days that was my identity…Baby Girl Erica H.

Before I was adopted.

Sometimes I think of changing my name back to Erica. I’ve always liked it.

Of course, nobody would understand and I would get tired of explaining myself…

Identity is important, though. To me.

Female, adoptee, daughter, wife, lover, fighter, mother, friend, woman, designer, writer, human being…

It happens much too easily.  I become attached and then it scares me because I really don’t want to be attached to anyone or anything.

The only people worth being attached to are the ones who will fight for you and not let you go no matter how hard you try. The tricky part is figuring out who those people are before they disappoint you or hurt you or pull away first.

The unfortunate truth is that attachment is a part of human nature. We all want it and we all need it, even when we fight against it.

Driving many quiet hours in the dark last night,  I accidentally figured out why I can’t let this blog go…

The Caffeinatrix is what you might call my…alter ego. Letting her go would be like letting a part of myself go and I’m not ready for her to die.

I have a tendency to compartmentalize various parts of myself, as illustrated by my many blogs. Each one represents a fraction of who I am. I’m not sure if this is incredibly unhealthy or terribly brilliant.

But alas, it’s a new year and time for more self-reflection (and the requisite navelgazing). Maybe this will be the year that I…

Well,  hello there!

I’ve been engaged in a mad sleep-a-thon. A sleep-off, if you will. And guess what? I WIN. Because I have undoubtedly slept more in the past three days than ANY of you. And that’s why I feel ALIVE! This sleeping business… It really is something to marvel at because when you get enough of it? You feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.

You see, without going into too much detail, I’ve been dealing with an issue that has turned my whole life upside down and this issue, which is not completely resolved as of yet, has stressed me out to the nth degree and apparently, my body and mind revolted and decided I should sleep. And sleep I did. And I feel trés awesome today. HAPPY EVEN!

But? I’m camping with Brownies this weekend and I’m feeling very apprehensive about that. I don’t know why, though. Even last year, when I had both my period AND a raging sinus infection, I still had fun. Well, minus the snoring…

Someone snored like a freight train. I didn’t sleep a wink and my daughter cried because she couldn’t sleep either. So there we are, whispering in the dark about the snoring while she cries and I debate setting my ears on fire. That part wasn’t fun.

Soooo…I went online today and bought some earplugs made especially to block out snoring—a pair for my daughter and a pair for myself. All I can say is they better work because I paid a small fortune to make sure they’re here before we leave on Friday.

And if they don’t…the person with the pillow over their face?  Won’t be waking up the next morning.

When your husband’s doctor’s office calls and says they need to speak to him about the labs from his recent physical at his earliest convenience. Well, he’s out of town and didn’t put me on his forms as a person they can discuss his medical stuff with so now I’m sitting here wondering WTH is up and no idea when I’ll know.

(Actually, Walt is turning in his cryogenic chamber thing and you can bet when they finally thaw him out and bring him back to life, he’s gonna be pissed about this)

Every now and then, I feel the need to acknowledge the things I don’t understand. At the top of the list is Disney Eggs. Yes, I said Disney EGGS. Like chicken eggs. With Disney characters stamped on them. Am I the only one who finds this incredibly (and edibly) surreal? And really, just WHY? Are they supposed to be collectible? Heh. Or served whole so kids can see the characters stamped on them and get all excited about eggs?  And since when does Disney dabble in agriculture?

Maybe it’s one of those bizarre licensing agreement situations, like Hannah Montana and High School Musical macaroni and cheese, where you have to wonder…WHO SIGNED OFF ON THIS??? Because it’s just dumb.

Anyway, I’m probably the last person on the planet to know about these, in which case, forgive my ignorance. It’s merely a case of my studiously avoiding the Disney channel—and clearly, if this is what they’re selling, I’m 100% correct in doing so because again…DUMB.

Would you buy these? (And I’m asking all you normal people out there, not the folks who obsessively hoard Disney stuff)

Like many of you, I watched Obama on Leno last night. Unlike many of you, I fail to see what the big fuss is about. The media-generated moral outrage at President Obama’s Special Olympics remark is just that…media-generated. Additionally, it’s somewhat ironic that the same party of people who think it’s hilarious to mass email jokes and comics regarding black stereotypes in reference to Obama are suddenly all up in arms because he dared to utter the words ‘Special Olympics’ on a comedy talk show.

I watched Obama on Leno. In fact, I watched it twice and Obama’s remark about the Special Olympics was clearly in reference Leno praising Obama’s bowling score in a patronizing way (jokingly, of course). It was so obvious to me that the remark was directed at Leno—how anyone could have interpreted it as a slur against those who particpate in the Special Olympics is beyond me.

Edited to add:

Leno joking praised Obama’s bowling scores and then Obama said  “That was like the Special Olympics or something” while gesturing to Leno with his left hand, indicating that he was addressing Leno’s mocking praise.

You can see this exchange at 22 seconds into the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE0yAEvVsUo

I know Obama has issued an apology but that’s to be expected. Even though he didn’t do anything wrong, IMO, he knows how the media works and he knew, probably as soon as the words came out of his mouth, that a shitstorm was going to ensue, warranted or not.

I could understand why people would be outraged if Obama had truly made some kind of hurtful remark about the Special Olympics. My own son is in a special ed preschool program for a speech delay and I worked with developmentally delayed and autistic adults for over five years so it’s not as though I don’t understand or that I’m not empathetic because I am.  And believe me, if I really felt like Obama had insulted those with special needs or those who participate in the Special Olympics, I would be upset, as well.

But I just don’t think he did. If anything he was referencing how Leno was speaking to him and drawing a parallel with how people treat folks with developmental disabilities, which is, per my observations, very patronizingly. I fail to see how that would be hurtful or insulting. It’s certainly not untrue.

There’s simply nothing to be angry about—there was NO disparaging remark—and more than anything, this whole brouhaha is a distraction from the real issues at hand (although you can’t blame the media for wanting something else to beat to death. The nonstop 24-7 news coverage of AIG and Bernie Madoff IS getting pretty tiresome)

Can we move on now?

I was reading the paper online this morning and came across this article about a study that says people in committed relationships, on the whole, quickly look away when they encounter an attractive member of the opposite sex. Apparently, they typically don’t even know they’re doing it; that it’s some sort of automatic response, presumably to “buffer against infidelity.”

So I’m reading this and I’m like “Hey—I do that” and it does feel sort of..automatic. I mean I see men with women, looking at OTHER women all the time and they’re totally cavalier about it and I? Am looking away like I’m some kind of schoolgirl, which I’m SO NOT.  But are those guys just uncommitted cads???

Actually, I’ve noticed my husband looking away lots of times and I just figured he was trying to be respectful (or not provoke any kind of painful elbowing to the ribs, as his ex girlfriend was fond of doing to him) by not blatantly gawking at other attractive women in my presence, which I thought, you know, was pretty cool.  Me? Naive? Poppycock!

Now that I know about this, perhaps I should test myself and see if I react the same. Might be fun…heh. Or maybe it won’t make any difference at all and I’ll be all “Oh! What lovely shelving this store has!”