If you ever wondered what really goes on inside my pretty little head, read my post over at IzzyMom.

It’s one I wrote about a year ago that was  well-received by readers but for some reason, had been unpublished. I have no idea why.

Today I got the coolest email from someone who had read that post and bookmarked it, only to find that it was no longer there. She inquired about it and asked if it was still available.

She paid me/my post some compliments that made me feel so good and I was so happy that something I had written had resonated to the degree that someone would ask about it in it’s absence.

I found the post in question. I read it.  It still felt real and true. I could still relate to it.

And suddenly I was inspired. I don’t want to just dump my disjointed thoughts into a text editor. I want to write again. Whether I will, I don’t know, but at least the flesh is willing…

I republished this post for Sarah and for me. And it was like coming home.

Did I ever tell you that my name used to be Erica?

Yes, for three days that was my identity…Baby Girl Erica H.

Before I was adopted.

Sometimes I think of changing my name back to Erica. I’ve always liked it.

Of course, nobody would understand and I would get tired of explaining myself…

Identity is important, though. To me.

Female, adoptee, daughter, wife, lover, fighter, mother, friend, woman, designer, writer, human being…

It happens much too easily.  I become attached and then it scares me because I really don’t want to be attached to anyone or anything.

The only people worth being attached to are the ones who will fight for you and not let you go no matter how hard you try. The tricky part is figuring out who those people are before they disappoint you or hurt you or pull away first.

And the sad part is that attachment is a part of human nature. We all want it and we all need it, even when we fight against it.

Somewhat related, somewhat not…my sister once said to me that nothing lasts forever. I’ve never ever forgotten that and so far, she’s been 100% right…which I hate.

Gah…I need to shake this off before the fucking melancholy takes hold.

Driving many quiet hours in the dark last night,  I accidentally figured out why I can’t let this blog go…

The Caffeinatrix is what you might call my…alter ego. Letting her go would be like letting a part of myself go and frankly, she’s a lot of fun most of the time. I’m not ready for her to die.

I have a tendency to compartmentalize various parts of myself, as illustrated by my many blogs. Each one represents a fraction of who I am. I’m not sure if this is incredibly unhealthy or terribly brilliant.

But alas, it’s a new year and time for more self-reflection (and the requisite navelgazing). Maybe this will be the year that I…

Hello, old friend…. You’re looking lovely and rather fit, too, I might add. Have you been working out?

Wow…I havent posted on this blog in ages. Now that nobody comes here anymore, Im oddly excited to be doing this. Ive also decided that I dont feel like using apostrophes right now.

Its good to be back but dont expect much from me. Ill just disappoint you in the end with my flakiness and flightiness and my tendency to become bored with things after nanosecond or ten. But thats the way the ball bounces, G.

Anyhoo…it’s Christmas eve. I have shit to do.

Merry Christmas, mothafuckaaaaaaas :)

I’m still hangin’ over at IzzyMom :)

Last Sunday on Mother’s Day, I awoke around noon and was greeted with a fantastic breakfast (that means BACON), fresh coffee, gorgeous pink Gerber daisies (my favorite) and the sweetest little treasures from my children.

Accompanying the gifts from my daughter was a card/drawing she made at school that touched my heart—but also made me scratch my head a bit (see highlighted parts).

It read:

I love my mommy sooooo much! Her name is Janet. She is fun and pretty. We like to go to the mall and buy clothing together. It’s fun! Sometimes she plays board games with me. My mommy is a great cook, too. My favorite meal she makes is tater tot casserole. My mom makes dinner, does laundry and cleans the house. I’m glad she takes good care of me.

Is that not the sweetest thing you’ve ever read? I know. It is.

The only thing I don’t understand why she makes me sound like a housewifey mall rat who favors food from the Michelle Duggar cookbook of white trashy recipes?

Allow me to elaborate…

We never go clothes shopping at the mall. Well, actually, I did recently take the kids with me when I went hunting for a purple shirt to wear for the March for Babies but seriously, before that, I can’t remember the last time I dared to take the kids clothes shopping with me. I’M NO MASOCHIST!

Also? I DID a made tater tot casserole — ONCE — but only because I happened to have all the ingredients and I really REALLY didn’t want to make burgers or meatloaf again. It was okay but nobody seemed all that jazzed about it. Yes, I noted the recipe while watching “18 Kids and Counting”  but hello? Tater Tot casserole? That’s just embarrassing and frankly not the sort of thing I’d want the whole world to know about — not including YOU , of course — because I trust that we will never speak of this again. RIGHT???

It was really very generous of my daughter to say I’m a great cook but just like that business about cleaning and doing laundry? It’s kind of not accurate. I’m a bad cook and I really try NOT to clean or do laundry. Must be wishful thinking on her part… Poor kid.

Don’t get me wrong. I thought T’s card was beyond awesome. She said all those nice things (factual errors aside), which I loved—but you have to admit…it’s comedy gold.

Now that part about being fun and pretty?  TOTALLY TRUE :)

This is funny as hell… If you like Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen, you’ll love it. If you think Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen are the most annoying people on the planet, well, you STILL might like it but in the unlikely event that you hate it? Don’t blame me. I just work here.

I force my children to watch Mystery Diagnosis with me every day. Okay…I don’t FORCE them, as in tying them up and propping their eyelids open with toothpicks, but I turn it on and if they don’t want to watch it? Too bad because Mystery Diagnosis is the most awesomely awesome show on TV (aside from Gossip Girl and Trust Me—which is awesome because it’s awesome and also because Tom Cavanagh, whom I used to regard as somewhat lizardy looking, is totally cute)

I hate, hate, HATE the term “make love” as well as any variation of it.  It just sounds so…gross. Does that make me weird? Maybe it does as I think I’m also the only woman on the planet who does NOT get all squiggedy over the word “panties.”

Panties, panties, panties! Take off your PANTIES!

Hah! Not a single shudder.

But that other one… YICKETY YICK YICK YICK.

There’s only one exception to the never say ‘make love’ in my presence rule and it’s this song.

I’m craving a gyro. I haven’t had one in years. Meat on a spool=NOMS

And finally, there’s only one more episode until I’m all caught up with Doctor Who. Am sad. But for the love of all things good and decent, do NOT tell me what happens. Also? Harboring a teeny an unspeakably  huge crush on David Tennant.

That is all.

Well,  hello there!

I’ve been engaged in a mad sleep-a-thon. A sleep-off, if you will. And guess what? I WIN. Because I have undoubtedly slept more in the past three days than ANY of you. And that’s why I feel ALIVE! This sleeping business… It really is something to marvel at because when you get enough of it? You feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.

You see, without going into too much detail, I’ve been dealing with an issue that has turned my whole life upside down and this issue, which is not completely resolved as of yet, has stressed me out to the nth degree and apparently, my body and mind revolted and decided I should sleep. And sleep I did. And I feel trés awesome today. HAPPY EVEN!

But? I’m camping with Brownies this weekend and I’m feeling very apprehensive about that. I don’t know why, though. Even last year, when I had both my period AND a raging sinus infection, I still had fun. Well, minus the snoring…

Someone snored like a freight train. I didn’t sleep a wink and my daughter cried because she couldn’t sleep either. So there we are, whispering in the dark about the snoring while she cries and I debate setting my ears on fire. That part wasn’t fun.

Soooo…I went online today and bought some earplugs made especially to block out snoring—a pair for my daughter and a pair for myself. All I can say is they better work because I paid a small fortune to make sure they’re here before we leave on Friday.

And if they don’t…the person with the pillow over their face?  Won’t be waking up the next morning.

I’m not a huge fan of the vegetables. Actually, let me rephrase that… I’m not a huge fan of cooking the vegetables.

Or buying them.

I don’t know how to tell a good *insert random vegetable name* from a bad one or an overripe one from an overpriced one—actually, vegetables seem to be quite a bargain to me and I’m perplexed when I hear people bitching about the price of peppers or avocados or whatever.

Anyway, to reiterate, I don’t hate vegetables. I just really like them a WHOLE lot better when someone else buys them (because they probably KNOW how to NOT buy bad veggies) and even more so, I like when SOMEONE ELSE cooks them.

Me? I typically mutilate them first and then proceed to undercook, overcook or underseason them and generally render the poor vegetables inedible—unless they come in a bag, drowning with processed cheese sauce in which case, they’re kind of already inedible by most standards..

Also, I must confess…I am of the mind that just about everything in life worth eating can be improved with a little hot oil and a skillet. Potatoes? They’re good. Crispy hash browns, however, are heavenly.

Salmon? It’s okay. Salmon in a crusty, crunchy pan-fried little croquette thingy? Nomnom-a-licious.

Toasted cheese sandwich? Meh. Grilled cheese sandwich? Far superior in every way.

As luck should have it,  today, while perusing my iGoogle page and reading news (an excellent procrastination tool, if I do say) I came across a recipe for veggie pancakes on NPR. Naturally, this appeals to me per my unbridled love for all things crispy, crunchy and savory and I really want to try to make them but I’m reticent…

First, I’ll have to buy all the vegetables, which we’ve already established is a challenge for me; then I’ll have to cut them, grate them—whatever—without losing a digit (or any precious knuckleskin) and of course, try not to burn them which, in case I didn’t mention, is always hard because I am an impatient cook who frequently jacks up the heat “just for a second” and then wanders away to screw off on Twitter or read email or check out the news on iGoogle. The ceremonial ringing of the smoke alarm usually ensues.

Urggghhh. Maybe next week…

When your husband’s doctor’s office calls and says they need to speak to him about the labs from his recent physical at his earliest convenience. Well, he’s out of town and didn’t put me on his forms as a person they can discuss his medical stuff with so now I’m sitting here wondering WTH is up and no idea when I’ll know.

We finally joined the rest of the western world and got a Wii (from a friend who decided he didn’t like being taunted by a machine) and for the last couple days, I’ve been slowly (because mah mad technonerdgirl skillz apparently don’t extend to video games of any kind and my kids can attest to this) learning how to get around in and use it.

I’ve decided I really like Wii tennis. You get the satisfaction of wacking a ball, which I’ve always loved, but without all the sweat and sun, both of which I hate. My fair skin can’t take the blazing Florida sun and well, I think two words will sum up why I hate perspiring — BOOB SWEAT. While I wasn’t blessed with abundance in that department, I got way more than my fair share of sweat glands in that area. Well, actually, I don’t know if that’s true because I don’t ask other women about boob sweat but whatever…let’s just say I hate boobsweating and leave it at that.

I also love Wii boxing. I never knew beating the crap out of a crappy looking avatar could be so elating, so…satisfying. Apparently, I have a lot of aggression to get out—knocking out my two dimensional opponents has brought me a sick amount of joy these past two days.

Today, I finally ventured into Wii Fit territory. Apparently, I’m the most unbalanced person to ever walk the earth. The fucking thing asked me if I fall down a lot when walking, which I DO NOT, thankyouverymuch.

The upside is that I’m in a normal weight range. The downside? I’ve gained three pounds since my last doctor’s appt in December. Looks like the Wii and I will be spending a lot more time together as I set my “goal” to lose 5 lbs. in two weeks.

I’m embarrassed to admit that after falling asleep with my son tonight for about 4 hours, I woke up to soreness in muscles I didn’t even know I had. Gah.

On Tuesday April 7th, the world unexpectedly lost a precious little girl named Maddie Spohr, age 17 months. I wrote about Maddie’s passing over on IzzyMom a couple days ago and my heart continues to ache for Maddie’s parents, Heather and Mike Spohr. I can’t even begin to imagine what they are going through right now.

In this dark and sad time, though, the kindness and generosity of people across the internet and around the world (most of whom didn’t know Maddie any more than I did) has been nothing short of awe-inspiring.

People have pulled together to help the Spohr’s web site remain up after being taken down for excessive traffic by the thoroughly uncompassionate Bluehost.

In less than three days, people have given upwards of $25,000 in donations to the March of Dimes, which Maddie’s mom requested in lieu of flowers.

People have come together to form teams to participate in the March of Dimes ‘March for Babies’ on April 25th and raise money in Maddie’s name.

People have put up web pages aggregating all the hundreds of posts about Maddie (scroll way down to see the list).

People have set up a donation site to help with Maddie’s funeral and memorial service costs (donations STILL needed! Details here)

People have spearheaded meal delivery campaigns for the Spohrs so that they don’t need to worry about cooking or grocery shopping.

I’m awed by all the good in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all you wonderful people out there. You’ve all helped to make sure Maddie Spohr, the beloved little girl with the captivating smile and big blue-green eyes, will NEVER be forgotten.

If you want to help, there are many things you can do:

• Sponsor our Friends of Maddie “March for Babies” team or any of the dozens of other teams from around the country that are walking in Maddie’s name on April 25.

• Donate to help offset the cost of Maddie’s funeral expenses. This would help the Spohrs tremendously.

• Donate $5 towards a gift card for a restaurant in Mike and Heather’s area that delivers because eating is not optional. You gotta eat. Please email me (janet at greenmommedia dot com) OR direct message me on Twitter (@thecaffeinatrix) if you’d like to take part in this. I’ll send a card to them (with your name included) along with a restaurant gift card. I’m hoping to raise a minimum of $75 because everything is expensive in LA.

Also…

A P.O. Box has also been set up in Heather and Mike’s name for cards, gift certificates and the like. The box is located inside a UPS store so packages are accepted as well.

Mike & Heather Spohr
11870 Santa Monica Blvd. #106-514
West Los Angeles, CA 90025

Thank you for your kindness, compassion and generosity :)

Madeline Alice Spohr